I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just invented taco cereal.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
