I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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