Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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