I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
