Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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