im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
