I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
