Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
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