I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
