why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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