Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
