Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
