On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
