I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
