oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
