you're like a bully in the Christmas story
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
