Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
