does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
