Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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