I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
