Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
