If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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