You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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