this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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