Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."