she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
