just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
