remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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