my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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