This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
