I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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