I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
