He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
