Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
