There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
