he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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