Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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