So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
