Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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