i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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