Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
