Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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