I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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