the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
