I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
