next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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