I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
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I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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