Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
