Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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