Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
