i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
