Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to