Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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