I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
