I am in a vortex of obligation.
i think i have two assholes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
