Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
