I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
