it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Randomize
